Top 10 Dumbest Criminals
1. “Gimme the Dough!”
The owners of a New York pizzeria were understandably surprised when two men in masks robbed them at gunpoint. The two robbers reportedly demanded that the owners hand over the bag they were holding, which the robbers had expected to contain the pizzeria’s daily bank deposit. The robbers were disappointed to find out that the bag of dough they had stolen was in fact a bag of pizza dough, not cash.
2. Idiot Nerd Steals Bag, Is Photographed
A man in Wisconsin noticed a family of four posing for a photograph at a national landmark, and decided to take advantage of the family’s temporary distraction by sneaking behind them and stealing a bag of their possessions. The criminal was quickly caught and arrested when police looked at the picture, in which he was clearly visible. Additionally, the man was caught wearing jorts.
3. Bank Robber Figures He Can Afford New Wallet
In Washington D.C., a man after robbing a bank, forgot his wallet at the crime scene. The man handed the teller a note, which explained to her that he was holding up the bank. She handed him the cash, along with an exploding dye packets, and the man took off. When the dye packet started to go off, the man ditched the packet, along with his identification.
4. Dull Man Steals Sharp Knives
In 2008, a Grand Rapids, MI man attempted to steal hundreds of dollars in hunting knives from the retailer Meijer. When employees confronted the man, he fled but did not make it very far: he tripped during his escape and accidentally stabbed himself in the midsection. The man was hospitalized and charged with burglary.
5. Drunk Driving Laws Exist, Vermont Man Disagrees
A man who had been charged and convicted of seven DUI’s was released from jail after nineteen years. After a night of heavy drinking in celebration of his release, he thought it might be wise to drive home. He was pulled over and arrested for driving under the influence. The man has not yet commented on the irony.
6. Man Steals “Replicar” to Cover Tracks
One California man, after stealing some surveillance cameras from a local business, decided it might be best to ditch his white Mitsubishi pickup… for another white Mitsubishi pickup truck. The man was arrested soon after.
7. Tattoo Foils Incognito Man
Sterling F. Wolfname thought his name was cool enough to get it tattooed on his head. When police were looking to question Wolfname about a beating (which resulted in the death of the victim), Wolfname claimed to be someone else. The police were unconvinced and Wolfname was arrested.
8. Man Wants to Be Billionaire, Writes Check to Self
In 2008, a man in Texas, Charles Ray Fuller, attempted to cash a check at a Chase bank in Fort Worth. The check, which was made out for $360 billion and was not even in Fuller’s name, belonged to the account of his mother-in-law. Police became suspicious, and he was arrested for theft, as well as possession of marijuana and an illegal firearm. Fuller, 21, did not see anything unreasonable about cashing a check worth over seven times Bill Gates’ net worth.
A 21-year-old Oregon man, Calvin Hoover, who had just spent the night at a local pub getting sloshed, dialed 911 after someone had broken into his truck and stole his coat, cash, and stash of weed. He made sure to give the dispatcher every detail, including the fact that he was missing an illegal substance. Police later found him wandering near his car and arrested him for driving under the influence, and kindly suggested he omit the weed from his theft report.
10. Permanent Disguise Backfires
Two men in Iowa who attempted to rob the apartment of another man clearly forgot to take a class on proper disguise techniques. The victim called police after they had tried to enter his home and described them as wearing hooded sweatshirts and a unique facial concealment. The criminals were later pulled over during a routine traffic stop, and were discovered because rather than purchasing ski masks or face-paint, the men decided to darken their faces with Sharpies. They were arrested for attempted burglary, and were probably stuck with discoloration for days.